There is a line between myself and being cognizant of feelings of other people around me. There are plenty of people I could give a hooey about, not because I’m an asshole (I don’t think) but because I rate my own feelings of being comfortable in my own skin higher than the level of discomfort that I may cause them. Now, people I care about, that’s different. It can be enjoyable to torture the teen in public, but there is a balance of modeling “be yourself” and not “ruining” her life. I’m not even sure how to describe “being yourself” vs not. But everyone knows what it feels like to ignore your authentic self. It can be draining to pretend to be something or someone else. Being yourself should be effortless. You only have to THINK when you’re trying to be something other than yourself. There have been countless changes in my life recently. That alone compounds the unrest I feel in "being myself". Sometimes it flows and is just so easy. Other times, my own skin is an itching suit that I can't situate just right. I've "tried on" a few versions in the past few years. But comfort is always key in the end.
I can use writing as an example. I’d much rather write about what I want, what I enjoy, what moves me. And I do, I just don’t share much. If you were to compare the college papers I wrote on Texas history or the one on a biological basis for homosexuality, I’m sure you could see which one interested me more. This blog is this way, too. I just haven’t put much out there because I worry someone will read something and feel uncomfortable or slighted. When I make myself write for the sake of just putting something there, it shows. And I think I have come to the point where I need to just put more out there, for myself, the things I want to write about and share. If it makes for squeamish or WTF reading or makes you angry, stop reading it. If it makes you smile, laugh, or choke on your coffee… Awesome.
I am going to write about just about anything that floats my boat. What better way to be myself! I will ramble and stutter and commit crimes against grammer. But maybe this written form of therapy will just further my quest in being myself.