August 12, 2012

I am a lesbian. Labels, as much as I try to avoid them are here to stay. I am a 38 year old mother of three. I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years. I have not felt fully free to be myself for a very long time. And as the mask slowly peels away and the more this awakening settles in my head, the more bat shit crazy I feel. How in the hell did I not figure this out before? Who am I?

My mind is zipping along at warp speed. My therapist cannot get a word in when I see her. All the hurt and confusion that has been permeating every bit of my thinking is beginning to trickle away. There is no overnight celebration still. Hell, I still can’t say the word lesbian out loud. I can say, “I am not straight. I am not bi.” And I just hope people can connect the dots themselves. Only a teeny circle is privy to this anyhow. I feet pretty safe with “gay”. But lesbian is still a label I can only poke at with a very long stick.

Whine: Today I took a chemistry test. Throughout the duration of the exam there was sniffling and snotting and coughing and sneezing and I reeeeeally wanted to tell them to cut that shit out. Holy hell it was disgusting. Blow your noses people. Be done with it. Stop sucking that nastiness up into your head.