I really wanted to make a concerted effort to not write about sappy, depressing, or unhappy shit. I mean, really... when things are going well we get busy and are so into soaking up all that happy crap we don't sit down to take a minute to express gratitude for those things. I'm not ready to flip it and find the silver fucking linings or express gratitude for what I had. Because I lost my fucking dog! I'm not grateful for that. I see no stupid ass silver lining. I just feel ache. On so many levels.

Yes, Bob was Billie's dog. He lived at her house. He was her souldog. But he was still mine. I understood the bond they shared. It made me downright gleeful that they brought each other so much ridiculous joy. Hell, they looked alike. When people complimented her while out walking that handsome mother fucker I just smiled knowing that he was mine, too. I didn't need to say it. I knew it.

Alli and Bob and I went for jogs and walks up behind Stephen's often. Especially when it was pretty outside. They loved it! I loved it! Alli and Bob would run and run but they always kept me in their sight. I would call them and they would both come running and I was terrified they were going to take me out at the knees and give me a concussion one day. Alli is also a huge fan of fetch. She gets her eyes on the ball and she is on it! Bob's favorite thing was to chase Alli while she chased the ball. If he managed to get to it first, he grabbed it and took off running. Dancing around Alli, daring her to chase him. He was not a graceful dog. For the size and beauty he possessed he was really just a big ass clown with golden fur. On multiple occasions he flipped over her and rolled and stood up with a bewildered expression. "WTF just happened?" Actually, I don't think Bob was a swearer. He probably was thinking more along the lines of... "Wow! Did you see that? I totally meant to do that. Heh... cool." And then he was off again. When they were both worn out and ready to go they hopped back into my car and off we would go. Alli preferred to sprawl out in the back. Bob wanted the front seat any chance he could get.

I got a kick out of some faux Bob jealousy. Um, hey... how about you rub my head like you are rubbing his? Dude... If you said hello to me the way you say hello to Bob, you'd probably get lucky a lot more often. When Bob tried to get in the bed with us when we stayed together, he would stare at me. I was in his spot. Billie swears he didn't stay in her bed the entire time I'm not there. I'd groan and roll my eyes. But I didn't care, not really. When she woke early to go write and sip coffee Bob would get into the bed with me. He took up a lot of room. Eventually, he would sit up and stare at me. Fine, Bob. Let's get up and go join everyone else.

Friday was awful. I can't get the images of my head. He was so big and so warm. I was worried about the bumping and jolting of the truck and was trying to keep his body still and safe. His mouth was slightly ajar but I closed it and placed my mouth over his snout and blew hard. I could feel it. I put my head to his chest. I went back to his snout. Back to his chest. I could hear myself sobbing, I realized it like I was sitting back taking it all in. No polite sniffles here. I looked into his eyes. His eyes let me know he was gone. Oh my god. Deep inside I've been scooped out and all that is left is an aching pit and disbelief. I want the ride in the truck to be done. I don't want it to end. I want to feel his size and warmth for as long as I can.

I can still feel him. I can feel the lack of muscle tone under his beautiful soft coat. I can feel his warmth. I can feel his cold wet paws as I held them one last time. I can feel his damp nose in my hand as I kiss his head for the last time.

This sucks ass. Just sucks. (For those of you that missed it before, Billie and I are dating. Seriously. There is a future in that. And that future included Bob in my household once again. Under my feet daily. Stealing bread. Pissing me off with muddy paws on clean floors. Snatching waffles from the hands of unsuspecting boys. And a head in my lap every morning while I sipped my coffee.) I mourn Bob. I mourn that Billie is missing her souldog. I'm just so sad. I'll let you know if and when any silver linings present themselves. Until then, go pet your animals! Brush their coats. Give them an extra treat, and take them for a walk!